i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
