I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
