mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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