four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
