i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
