I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
