You're my little dorito
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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