his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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