so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize