I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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