The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
where are my eyebrows?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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