Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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