i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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