Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
