if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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