Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize