The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
