Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
