Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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