Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
