1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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