Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wear drunk well.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
