My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This girl is more easily done than said...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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