So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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