We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
well you can't waste a boner
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize