Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
