yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize