Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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