I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
