i was born a porn star she said
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
