Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
