he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
