uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
