I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
