So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
