YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
