dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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