My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Acid is not a monday night drug
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
