He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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