Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
