im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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