we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
