my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
