I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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