I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
