She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
