First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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