Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
they need to just BURY HIM!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
