I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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