i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
