just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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