he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
