Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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