Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
