Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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