Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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